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[grieving] Christian coping with abortion...

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by BrokenBella, Dec 22, 2015.

  1. BrokenBella

    BrokenBella New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2015
    Messages:
    0
    I just had an abortion. I was 10 weeks and four days. I felt like I had to. I felt more that I belonged out there with the proLifers than the cold bare room we were all crammed into. Women were lined up and we were all waiting and waiting. I knew what I was doing was wrong (religiously ) but I didn't have an option. I felt I didn't anyways. I have a one year old and a two year old daughter And I love them both dearly.if I had money, I would have kept my child. I'm so mad at myself. We are moving to Georgia on the 4th of January to get away from their abusive father but the people that are helping me said they can not have me their pregnant as there is no one to help me once I'm on my feet/working and in the hospital having my baby so I was left with no option ... I wanted to keep this child but it was going to be physically impossible as I have no support system. I drove myself to the appointment today even though you're told not to drive afterwards... I have no support system that's he reason I was having this abortion in the first place... No option... I can't carry a child for 9 months and give it up. I physically could not do it... I love my children too deeply. It would have just been a let down to the expecting couple if I carried full term ... I know me. I cried each room I went I to today... Embarrassed of course but at least I have remorse... This isn't just a form of birth control.... I also was scared if I kept my child if resent it because it came from sexual abuse. My stepfather is a preacher so it's been drilled into my head how horrible this is. It is ****** In my eyes to be honest but I felt I had to do it. I didn't have an option and that's why I was so mad at myself... Keep the two angels I have in the abusive life with their father and keep the baby or make the sacrifice of that little innocent beating heart and save my girls. No one else shed a tear or even seemed to have remorse for what they were doing... That's what damaged me more than anything I think... The way everyone just acted like it's ok... ******* baby after baby.. Did they even believe in God? Dis the workers? Did they feel like a criminal this whole time like I have? Did anyone feel like a piece of innocence was lost that will never again be returned?... I'm so scared that God will punish me by taking of of my daughters. I love them with my whole being. They are my livelihood! On my first ultrasound the baby literally was waiving to me. That keeps replaying in my head. I cried and just mouthed I'm sorry this morning (to the protestors ) ... I am sorry for what I have done. I have been up countless nights praying for God to resolve this so I wouldn't have to. Praying and praying that the babies heart would just stop or that I would conveniently become a stabbing victim or someone who barely survived herself.... Instead, I feel like a criminal. My birth family is screwed up. I dealt with sexual abuse by a family member from 11-17, there are druggies , drunks and my birth father abandoned us to become a transgender.... If they were all in a room with me I'd still feel like the ****tiest of all because I'd be the ******er... I'm not trying to hate on anyone in my post but does anyone feel the same ? Do anyone feel as alone as I do? Does anyone fear Gods wrath from this? Im such a hypocrite for always being so totally against abortion (unless it's extreme)... I always thought of the girls hat just do this as a form of birth control... I'm eating myself alive with guilt ... I just feel so ashamed, mad at myself and most of all like a ****** mother. How can I choose between my children? If you pray please send some prayers my way... I feel for anyone out there sitting with this unsettling guilt that I am.
     
  2. Buckette

    Buckette Oldie Staff Member Administrator Super Moderator Moderator SRG Manager SRG Leader Technical Administrator Junior Support Specialist Manager Moderator Manager SRG A5 SRG B5 SRG C5 SRG D5 SRG G5 SRG F5 Sapphire Turquoise butterfly Emerald

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2009
    Messages:
    26,813
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Oregon
    I see you have registered and are awaiting your email confirmation, hun, and once you join us on the main boards you will find many ladies who understand what you are going through.

    I look forward to having you join us. It's a good, safe, neutral and generally quite amazing place with even more amazing people. (((hugs)))