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[Emotional Pain] Grieving for 2 and it's 20 yrs ago..

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by Dawn, Apr 18, 2013.

  1. Dawn

    Dawn Guest

    Trigger warning sensitive subjects, also talks of children.
    Some content removed due to site guidelines.

    I had 2 abortions in the early 80's and I was told both time that my babies were not formed yet and that they wuld not feel/know anything, I was so young, the first time 14yrs old and the 2nd time only 19 and had 2 children by that time and got caught with a coil fitted and so now I find myself 20yrs later being so upset about these babies of mine,

    I was so young and had a bad childhood were I was abused and in care and no one to turn to, all the adults around let me down and my life was ruined for many years to come, I turned to drink and drugs for over 15yrs and hardcore to, now i have been clean for 6yrs and slowly all the old stuff is coming back and my babies are at the front right now, I should ofloved them anf proteted them and i didn't...I can't see a way past this feeling right now.... I so want to tell them both I am sorry and I wish i could change it but I can't, I also can't believe it as taken me till 20yrs later to find out the truth, I could of done earlier but I think i was in avoidance but now I know and I want to mourn my children, I want them to know their mummy loves them and I am not sure what to do from here....need to talk with others who have gone through something similar to me...it is breaking my heart....I am weighed down with guilt and grief right now and I only hope they can both forgive me and god to because I can'[t forgive myself.....so sorry to my babies...and sorry if I am upsetting anyone but I feel likeI am drowning and don;t know were to turn, i cannot speak to anyone of this in my family without bringing up old arguments and such...don't know what to do, were to turn.....I just wnat my babies to know their mummy is so so sorry and loves them both so much...
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2013
  2. Twin Flame

    Twin Flame ...that place between sleep and awake... Alumni Volunteer Wave

    Jun 23, 2010
    (((Dawn))) I'm so sorry you are feeling so much emotional pain. I very much believe those souls know how you feel and forgive you completely. It's my belief they are in a higher level of existence and they know so much more than we can possible know. Grieving is a process and it takes time. :j
  3. SuzanneL

    SuzanneL Abracadabra Staff Member Moderator SRG C5 Puppy Puppy Moon Kiss Star chocolate Butterfly Emerald Hat

    Nov 16, 2009
    Hell in a HandBasket
    I'm sorry your struggling so much. We have similarities in our stories. I was 14 when I had my ab, and was not "allowed" to grieve. I didn't start to heal until late 2009, and my ab was nearly 23 yrs ago.

    We are here for you! You don't have to suffer!!!! (((BigHugs)))
  4. ~Karen~

    ~Karen~ ✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿ SuperMod ~ Volunteer Manager ~ Super Moderator Alumni Volunteer

    Nov 18, 2003
    Glos, England
    If you are "Dawn" who has just created an account, this has been approved so you will be able to post about some of what you're feeling and experiencing on the main boards.

    Each person has different beliefs and thoughts and while we understand each of those are real and valid our site is neutral in terms of those to enable a safe place for healing. \h
  5. lonely thistle

    lonely thistle ~I'm fine = I wish I could tell you how I'm really Alumni Volunteer

    Dec 21, 2010
    I came here 8 years post ab. There are some who's ab was 20-30 years ago and more. Now that your clean, these unprocessed feelings may well surface. :j