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[Feeling sad...] Husband Hurting for his Wife

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by Cobra, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Cobra

    Cobra New Member

    Oct 16, 2015
    Our Story:
    After being married for about 5 years (together for 7 yrs) my wife and I returned from vacation to find out we were pregnant. This came as a complete shock to us! From the beginning of our relationship we both had the same views that we did not want children. We also both had medical issues and thought neither one of us could have kids. Well, it appeared that was incorrect and we could have kids. My wife and I took some time to weigh all the pros and cons of the choice we were about to make. We have a completely open and honest relationship, no secrets. My wife asked me what I wanted, me being completely open and honest said “honey I never really wanted kids and I don’t think we are in the mind set to have kids were we are in life right now. But whatever you decide I will support you 150%” Of course it was alittle deeper than that. Several days pass and my wife advises she gave it a lot of thought and she wanted to have an abortion. I asked her if she was sure and yes gave me all the reasons why she wanted to have an abortion. To me is seemed like she gave it a lot of thought and I even asked her are you sure? So after that convo, she made the appointment and I drove her there and we went through the process. Post abortion she was very upset and a little depressed, rightfully so. A few months post abortion she said she was struggling with the abortion so we got her some counseling. She went to a few sessions and it appeared to be helping her. We went about our amazing lives and had as much love and fun before the abortion. We went on amazing vacations and completed awesome activities together and just every day to day activities went perfect. Every now and then the abortion came up, but nothing more than she periodically thinks about it.

    Fast forward to the beginning of Oct 2015, this is now 2.5 years after the abortion. We have been fighting alittle more lately over nonsense, basically just getting on each other’s nerves. It comes out that she hates and resents me over the abortion. When I hear this I am completely shocked! To me this came out of left field, I mean we just got back from an amazing vacation and everything seemed perfect! She proceeds to tell me that she never wanted to have the abortion. She had the abortion because she was scared I would live her before or shortly after our baby was born. She tells me she has been struggling with this for the past 2.5 years and has never told me. Now she can’t stop thinking about the abortion and it is causing her to be depressed. She is not suicidal but she is in a real dark place. I try to speak with her to assist or help her but she wants to be left alone.

    I don’t know what to do? I feel completely helpless; this is the love of my life, my soulmate. If I knew that she wanted to keep the baby I would have 100% completely supported her. What do I do to help her? I have a phone call into a marriage counselor, going to setup single and couples therapy sessions. I also purchased her the book last night that was written by the founder of this website. I have already read about 60% of the book last night to see how I can help. Any suggests would be greatly appreciated.
    Yes, I know there is a “mens” portion to this board but I have not received me confirmation email to complete my account.

    Thanks in Advance
    Husband Hurting for his Wife
  2. PrincessEpona

    PrincessEpona Chatterbox SRG Leader SRG A5 SRG B5 SRG C5 SRG D5 SRG E5 Alumni Volunteer Emerald

    Oct 14, 2014
    New Jersey
    Hi and welcome to the boards

    I am so, so sorry both you and her are going through this. I think it is wonderful and a perfect first step that you are here and doing what you can to help her. Abortion is a very complicated experience... regardless of what we feel at the time, we can feel something different later on. What she is going through is totally normal, albeit incredibly hard to go through for both of you.

    I had my abortion 16 years ago and knew then, and now, it was the right choice for me and the baby. But 3 years ago I started to think about it incessantly and was overwhelmed by sadness. It made no sense to me especially because I knew it was the right choice. All of a sudden I resented the father of the baby for not having to go through the experience, for being home playing video games (we were 17 and 18 years old) while I had to go through this life changing experience.

    The reality is, even when it is the right choice, it is a loss. She may have felt then that it was right but now be questioning it because she feels the loss of it. Or maybe it is exactly what she said it is. Unfortunately, neither of you can go back and change what happened 2.5 years ago. I think single and couples counseling can be hugely helpful as long as it is what she wants, too.

    Aside from herself, you are the only other person who was involved in the decision so it is very easy to feel like you are to blame for it and to be mad at herself for it as well. She may not be able to acknowledge that her not being able to tell you her fears you'd leave back then has left her carrying these feelings towards you. Not ideal but with time and some healing work I think she would be able to move through what she is feeling, see the situation as a whole, and develop a more balanced way of looking at the experience. Have you suggested she check out this site? We offer a Structured recovery Group which was critical to my healing and I think that with the book would help her a lot.

    My husband is not the father of the baby I aborted and he struggled to understand how I was so upset about it because I knew it was right and it was over a decade before. We are in marriage counseling which really helped us to get through the roughest parts of it. One thing he has done consistently is ask me what I need and totally respect my answers. It is never easy for him to see me in my dark place and wanting to be left alone but he lets me and that is incredibly helpful.

    At this point, I think giving her the space she requests while being present and supportive when she wants you to be plus the counseling is a tremendous amount that you are doing for her. She may not be ready to take any action if she is just allowing herself to fully feel the pain, depression, etc. of her experience. Although it started to show up for me 3 years ago, it took me 2 years to participate here. It took me a lot of work to get to a place of feeling healed and this site was instrumental in that.

    What are you doing for yourself? How are you taking care of yourself? It is important that you voice your concerns, your needs, and what you need as well. My husband struggles to do this when I am in a dark place but that only leads to him resenting me for not acknowledging how he feels. It is important to keep the lines of communication open in both directions. Journaling may be helpful to her but you as well. You're in a difficult position and I think you're handling it fabulously but don't forget about yourself. That whole "Put your own air mask on first" deal applies here as well :)

    Once you have your approval you'll be able to be in touch with other partners, friends, and family members who want to help their loved one and I think that will be another great support for you. Until then if you want or need to talk don't hesitate to reach out.

    Take care,
  3. Twin Flame

    Twin Flame ...that place between sleep and awake... Alumni Volunteer Wave

    Jun 23, 2010
    Viki is right that the feelings are so complicated. I became very numb after my abortion. My ab dad offered to marry me, but said ultimately the choice was mine to make, although he preferred an abortion (we'd only been dating briefly at the time). Resentment was always below the surface and I didn't face it until many years later. In the end, I never did regret choosing abortion. It was the right choice for me. But I hated having to make the choice. I was angry and disappointed in myself. And it opened up a whole Pandora's box of issues for me. Most were family of origin. And although ab dad was supportive, he didn't see himself as part of the problem. I was the identified patient and if I could just get happy, we'd all be happy. He said all the things not to say...you just need to get over it, you need to move on. Years later when I was in therapy again, I told him I knew it wasn't rational to blame him, but on an emotional level, I did. His response was, 'I won't take the blame for this. We are both 50% at fault because neither of used birth control.' He was 100% correct, but I just hated him for saying it to me. I'd already explained I recognized it as irrational. It sounds like you are very compassionate and empathic. That is a good start right there.
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2015
  4. molliesue

    molliesue Cheers ...

    Jan 21, 2004
    Bay Area
    Hi Cobra & welcome :j

    I can feel the sadness in each of you, and your marriage right now. And I understand it.

    I too made the 'choice' to have an ab. After, when the pain hit - I blamed my partner for that pain. It was such an easy outlet for me. All that hate, grief and sadness was blamed on him. I also think this is very common after an ab (and with grief in general).

    It sounds like your wife has pushed her pain aside over the last 2 1/2 years. And now it's surfacing and catching you off guard. ((hugs to you)).

    My advice to you is to listen to her. Don't defend with "but we both said we didn't want kids" when she is talking about her pain - those points ARE valid, but I can't imagine it making her feel better right now. I don't think that's what she needs. And honestly she may need to be angry at you for now. Because had you said something, anything else .. she may or may not have made a different choice - BUT now, in the midst of pass, she will most certainly say she WOULD have had done differently had you said xyz instead. I.E. SHE would not be in pain if YOU had done differently. I hope I'm making sense & I hope I'm not coming across as rude or hard with you .. just trying to give you perspective on what she may be feeling as a woman who has gone through this myself :)

    It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. And I'm not saying you did. I am simply saying that in her mind, in all her pain - pain that she has been carrying alone for years - blaming you is a natural reaction.

    I wish you two the best in moving forward and healing together. May it bring you and closer and strengthen your love for one another.

    :j ((hugs again))