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I don't think I'll ever get over my abortion

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by Unregistered, Jan 21, 2016.

  1. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    last June when my baby was 10 months old i found out I was pregnant with my second.At the time my partner was severely depressed and suicidale,I had just given up my full time job after maternity leave to be a Sahm ,my partner had just been made redundant and we had also recently bought a new home which we planned to rennovate completely.My parents were also going through a very messy breakup after 25yrs of marriage.
    When I found out I was pregnant there was no doubt I would keep it although I was very shocked and of course worried how we would cope .I felt like I couldn't tell my partner becuase he was already telling me how he wanted to **** himself and I was scared this would tip him over the edge .I kept it to myself for 2-3 weeks but eventually I couldn't keep it from him any longer and knew I would have to tell him at some point.He immediately said we can't keep it and by this point I knew I didn't want to be pregnant either although I did not want an abortion!I was completely lost.
    My partner suggested I get an abortion becuase of our circumstances and at first I said no.I didn't want to have an abortion but I just wished I wasn't pregnant!I didn't want to believe it and k kept taking tests expecting them to be negative and Id just made a mistake with the first one but of course ,the signs were there and I was about 8 weeks along by my own calculations at this point.
    My partner eventually gave me the ultimation that is was him or the baby.He said we would have to break up if I kept our baby becuase he couldn't cope with another baby.I was heart broken.What would I do!i had no job and a 10 month old and would have a new born!I considered leaving him and keeping the baby but I tried to do what was best for my 10 month old and think with only her best interests at heart.I did not decide to terminate my pregnancy becuase I wanted to stay with my partner I did it becuase I thought it would be best for my daughter .I still don't know if I did the right thing or not.Would she find out when she was older and hate me for aborting her sibling ?
    I made an appointment at the hospital still not 100% wanting to go ahead.They scanned me and told me I was 10 weeks!I couldn't believe it ,I thought I was 9 weeks maximum and I know it's only a week difference but the fact it was into the double figures and Id only be two weeks away from my 12 week scan seemed to make things 100 times harder.I remembered my daughters 12 week scan and how excited and happy I was when they showed me her heartbeat and I watched her bobbing her head around the screen.She was a proper little baby to me At that stage ,I treasured her scan photo how could I be about to **** my second child at almost the same stage.I felt like a monster.
    I then went and spoke with a nurse ,she told me about how they would send the fetus' remains to their special crematorium and dispose of it humanely .I completely broke down ,I don't think I've felt more sadness im life.I was told I couldn't have a surgical abortion due to a condition I have with my heart so I had to take a tablet in 3 days time then go home for 48 hours and return to the hospital to 'pass the feutus'.I felt sick and left the hospital in tears .
    The next three days I spent changing my my mind about keeping my baby,one minute I was adamant I was absolutely not having an abortion the next I thought I had no choice I had to do it for the family I already had and that is genuinely why I went ahead with it in the end.My partner remained firm that we would split if I kept the baby but told me that it was my choice.i certainly didn't feel like I had a choice.
    So the Friday I was due to go to the hospital for the tablet came and off I went feeling disgusted with myself as my partner dropped me off and drove off with our daughter in the back as I went to **** our second child as if it was nothing .Or that's how I felt anyway.I took the tablet quickly knowing what I was doing and before I could change my mind for the 10000 time ,by this point I just wanted it all to be over.I took some pain ******* and then I went home,scared.
    I didn't really know what to expect and spent the weekend terrified what I would see or feel.I ended up seeing of feeling nothing ,I didn't bleed and Indont know if it's becuase I kept myself ripped up on pain ******* becuase I was scared of feel pain but I didn't have anything.I returned to the hospital on the monday ,alone,I was so scared.
    Despite being scared I felt no pain what so ever which i think the nurses found quite unusual but like I said I had been taking pain ******* regularly for the past 48 hours.I was put in a bed on a ward alone which i was thrilled about and the nurse inserted a pessary in me which she said would bring on 'labour' as it were.I felt sick!It was only 11 months ago I was on hospital in labour with my daughter ,never in a million years would I have dreamed I'd be going through what I was 11 months on.
    45 minutes later I had another tablet inserted and things moved quickly ,I was told to go and walk around the hospital Which I did and then I felt a popping sensation and knew that this was it.I rushed to the toilet and although I didn't look I knew I had passed my baby.There was a lot of blood but I was in no pain and I quickly put a bed pan over the gilet bowl and left .Thr nurse came and told me I had passed the pregnancy as I had suspected but I needed to pass the placenta.It was 50% over and at this point all I felt was relief.I had to
    Go and walk around again.Two hours passed and I had still not passed the placenta ,the nurses became a little concerned and told me I had to go and run up and down the stairs ,I panicked but shortly after I went to the toilet and passed the placenta ,it was definitely more difficult ,it was quite large and I did catch a glimpse.
    I then rested for an hour and was aloud home,at this point I was still relieved it was over and not tearful.From that night on however it all changed ,I cried my eyes out every evening but held it together in the day for my daughter and becuase no one knew apart from my partner.I got the impression he didn't really want to talk to me about it.It sounds crazy but I missed my baby so much and I just wanted them back and regretted what I'd done.I found it really hard to get out of bed for a while and would go
    Back to bed when my daughter napped.I did have to carry on as normal around other people though ,and I held it together .It was my daughters first birthday 5 days after the abortion.I felt sick to my stomach that we were celebrating her first birthday and here I was bleeding heavily from the abortion Id just had.I remembered when she was born and wondered how my life had come to this.My partner was still severely depressed,we had no money no jobs and I was trying to guide my siblings through my parents break up all while caring for my daughter ,virtually alone and with everyone unaware what was going on in my head.
    I bled heavily for about 3 weeks but had no pain and no problems.The hospital said I could go back for counselling but I never did ,I should have but I just had so much going on.I wish I had talked to some however it has and still is incredibly hard keeping everything to myself .My partner hates me talking about how I feel about the abortion,I don't know if it's sadness of
    Guilt.The reason I didn't tell anyone about the abortion was becuase I felt ashamed and all I didn't want anyone to feel hurt or sad .I don't have any friends do my only option was really my mum and she had enough on her plate .
    the next few months were hard ,really hard,mentally.I would have good weeks and bad weeks.The bad weeks Id cry every day and long for another baby and other weeks of barely think about what happened.im 6 months on now and approaching what would be my due date .In all honestly ive accepted the fact I want another baby and have admitted to myself that I wanted my baby but I didn't keep it becuase I truly thought It would be the best decision for my daughter.I think of the baby I would have had daily and I still get sad sometimes ,i have definitely grieved and ive come to terms with the fact that I will never get over this so ive just stopped trying.
    My partner is now on medication which is helping him and he has a new job now and I am also working part time.We still have so much work to do on our house,not much money due to the redundancy we fell behind.My parents are still split and I still feel low most days but things are better than what they were.I hear of other women having a baby which would have the same age gap with their first as what my daughter and the baby I aborted would have and I feel regret ,shame and also anger.If they can do
    It why couldn't I.I also sometimes feel like I failed my unborn child and what sort of mother am I to abort a baby but then again I was the only one walking in my shoes ,no one else.
    I have Felt lost since having my abortion and like I don't know where my life is heading but just recently I have accepted that I do want a baby and that doesn't mean I'm going to have one right now.Im certainly not ,however accepting that is what I want and why I feel how I do has been like a weight of my shoulders.I hope I do have a baby one day and soon but I know I have to do it when my partner is fully ready,he has said he hopes one day we can have another and perhaps i don't deserve another chance but I can only hope.
    I wanted to write my story becuase before I had my abortion I read nothing but negative stories on the internet about women's experience of abortion and although mine is not 100% positive and I am definitely still suffering mentally I can still say that it was the right decision at the time,if not for me for my family.I was also terrified of the pain and the proceedure in general and I just wanted to share my experience.It was traumatic mentally but ️definitely not physically!I don't know if this was becuase I gave birth 11 months prior but I can 100% say I felt no pain and I only saw what I chose too.If anyone manages to reds this far Thankyou and I could go into so much more detail ,particularly about the emotions and feelings ive experienced but Ive gone on for long enough.
    Thoughts and hugs to anyone going through something similar.it will get better xxxx
     
  2. SuzanneL

    SuzanneL Abracadabra Staff Member Moderator SRG C5 Flip flops Spring Bouquet Wave Kiss Star Butterfly Candle Butterfly Balloon Emerald

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2009
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    Hell in a HandBasket
    I'm sorry you are struggling sweetie!! I invite you to make an account so you can read more from other women and post as well. Many of us have had similar circumstances and feelings and we are here to help you through! (((BigBigHugs)))
     
  3. PrincessEpona

    PrincessEpona Chatterbox Alumni Volunteer SRG Leader SRG A5 SRG B5 SRG C5 SRG D5 SRG E5 Emerald

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2014
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    New Jersey
    Hi and welcome

    I am so glad you felt comfortable to share your story here. What you are going through is totally normal and it is okay to believe it was the right thing to do for your family but still feel the loss. It is a real loss and one that we need to mourn.

    As a guest user, only the support staff sees your posts so as Suzanne said, making an account will allow you to read other women's posts and share your story, feelings, etc. I think you'd find it helpful and lovely to be able to give and receive support as part of this community. I have received so much support and done so much healing here with these women... It is really amazing.

    Thank you again for sharing your story with us and I hope you join!

    Take care,
    Viki
     
  4. Traveler

    Traveler Well-Known Member Staff Member Support Specialist SRG Leader SRG B5

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2016
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    945
    Hi, I can totally sympathize. I had a medical abortion on the 8th (1st set of pills) and 9th September 2014 and feel broken.

    I am angry because my sheer stupidity made me do something I've always been against. Basically, I have 4 children aged 22,19,16 and 7. All are by my ex who I'd been with since we were teens but in reality, he was never really that fussed with me. Our relationship officially came to an end in 2003 after I tired of the cheating and lack of help with the children, but I still loved him.

    Fast forward 2006 we became involved again. I thought he'd changed, but was too stupid to see he just welcomed the physical. I became pregnant with my 7 year old, he was furious and tried to get me to abort. I refused, but found it very hard juggling work and getting him to nursery and suffered very badly with postnatal depression (although with all 3 sons I did, my daughter,who's my second child, I was unaffected). I became suicidal, but some how carried on. But did I learn? No! In 2014 Our eldest son graduated and we had a 1 night stand. I went on holiday after this, completely oblivious to when my period was due! It was only the day after I returned I realised I was late! I bought a test, but already knew as I'm never late. In a state of panic I cried briefly, held my stomach and said I was sorry, then telephoned my doctor to make an appointment for a referral. I feel sick at how quick I did this. I would not allow myself to feel, or process what I was doing-In order to do it, if that makes sense. I met with my doctor explaining how run down I'd been feeling earlier in the year,which was true and I could not cope with another child. She agreed and refereed me. I went to the clinic the next day and I had a scan and was told I was 5 and a half weeks. I was given the option of the tablets. Not once did I fight for my baby, but gave every reason why I should not have it. The next day my ex drove me to the clinic, where I took the pills that ended my child's life. I was relieved it was over, seeing it as a procedure until the sack passed. Then I apologised to my child then waited for the pain to surpass, then went home. I bled heavily and had intense pain for around 3 weeks.

    It was after this time I became severly depressed. I could not live with what I'd done and became extremely angry at how weak I was, for not fighting for my child. I was suppossed to love and nurture my child, I didn't give it a chance. I told a couple of people and my 3 older children know. I also at christmas told my sister, but no-one really understands how I feel. Most people see it as it had to be done. I don't know how I would have coped but I should have tried. I tell myself I'm getting over it, but when I'm really honest with myself, I know i'll never be the same again. I used to love travelling and still do it, but I don't really take pictures any more. The enthusiasm has gone. I book trips to distract myself rather than enjoy. There is a lady in my sons school who had a child around the same time my child would have been born last may. I see her most mornings and realise how weak I was. Some days I'm ok and at work I'm fine. But when I'm alone with myself, my truth comes back to me. I'm angry because like the OP said, I didn't want to be pregnant but didn't want to be in the position to have to choose an abortion either. This time last year, I was continuously tearful, now it's a little less, but I will never ever get over this. At least if I went through whatever struggles I felt I would have had, eventually the child would have grown up and they would lessen then go. This will never go. Sorry for rambling on.