P
Please help!
Guest
Trigger Warning: Brief mention of pregnancy of another
I had an on & off relationship with this guy for about 6 years. We would hook up often and went through so much together. I fell in love with him and still feel so attached to him. He had his relationships and dated while still seeing me throughout the years. Last year he finally decided to give us what I thought was a real try and we dated, weren't officially together though. I got pregnant last summer & immediately felt fear set in. I was so nauseous all the time and felt extremely sick. I couldn't get out of bed or eat anything. I couldn't tell my family because I was scared. I felt like I wasn't ready to be pregnant or have a baby. I loved my partner so much & he was the one I saw myself having a baby with in the future. It just didn't feel like the right time & I was so scared. About a month or two after my abortion he said he needed time and space to himself to figure things out. After that time he started dating another girl and it really hurt me that he could just move on like that after everything we had been through. He didn't want me to get an abortion but supported my decision and said he loved me. I couldn't understand how he could just move on like that. But I decided that I loved him and still wanted him in my life even if it wasn't as a romantic partner. He eventually stopped seeing her and our relationship of intimacy and hooking up continued like it always had. Suddenly he started seeing someone else and I felt my heart drop all over again. Their relationship moved fast and he told me they were very much in love with each other and that he adores her and wants a future with her. Yet they weren't officially together because she wasn't ready and had a lot of stuff to figure out for herself. I justified us still hooking up because it was him and I. I thought to myself, he must love me deep down the way I love him. I know it sounds wrong, but I feel so attached to him and don't know how to let go or be without him. He's my everyday person that I talk to all day every day and see every week. I kind of have some friends, but don't see them and hardly ever talk to them & not for my lack of effort. I feel like he's the only other person I have in my life. And so, I tried to adjust to his new relationship. However, this monday he told me she's pregnant. I felt like that ****ed me. I felt sick to my stomach having read those words. Monday he said she didn't want to keep it, but i'm pretty sure from the conversations he & I have had since then, that she's going to keep the baby. I feel heartbroken and destroyed. Not only is she pregnant at the same time that I was last year, but I can't help but feel triggered with the fact that she's going to have what I didn't. I imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't had my abortion all the time, but here she is being able to live out my "what if". I feel so angry at him for having been careless and getting her pregnant, I feel jealous of her, I feel hurt. I don't know how to live or be without him. Him having a baby with this girl would change everything. Most of all I think it hurts so much because I know that if she has this baby, he and I will officially be over and there's no coming back to each other this time. I feel sick all the time and cry. I keep wishing this wasn't real, but it is and I don't know how to make it feel any better.
I had an on & off relationship with this guy for about 6 years. We would hook up often and went through so much together. I fell in love with him and still feel so attached to him. He had his relationships and dated while still seeing me throughout the years. Last year he finally decided to give us what I thought was a real try and we dated, weren't officially together though. I got pregnant last summer & immediately felt fear set in. I was so nauseous all the time and felt extremely sick. I couldn't get out of bed or eat anything. I couldn't tell my family because I was scared. I felt like I wasn't ready to be pregnant or have a baby. I loved my partner so much & he was the one I saw myself having a baby with in the future. It just didn't feel like the right time & I was so scared. About a month or two after my abortion he said he needed time and space to himself to figure things out. After that time he started dating another girl and it really hurt me that he could just move on like that after everything we had been through. He didn't want me to get an abortion but supported my decision and said he loved me. I couldn't understand how he could just move on like that. But I decided that I loved him and still wanted him in my life even if it wasn't as a romantic partner. He eventually stopped seeing her and our relationship of intimacy and hooking up continued like it always had. Suddenly he started seeing someone else and I felt my heart drop all over again. Their relationship moved fast and he told me they were very much in love with each other and that he adores her and wants a future with her. Yet they weren't officially together because she wasn't ready and had a lot of stuff to figure out for herself. I justified us still hooking up because it was him and I. I thought to myself, he must love me deep down the way I love him. I know it sounds wrong, but I feel so attached to him and don't know how to let go or be without him. He's my everyday person that I talk to all day every day and see every week. I kind of have some friends, but don't see them and hardly ever talk to them & not for my lack of effort. I feel like he's the only other person I have in my life. And so, I tried to adjust to his new relationship. However, this monday he told me she's pregnant. I felt like that ****ed me. I felt sick to my stomach having read those words. Monday he said she didn't want to keep it, but i'm pretty sure from the conversations he & I have had since then, that she's going to keep the baby. I feel heartbroken and destroyed. Not only is she pregnant at the same time that I was last year, but I can't help but feel triggered with the fact that she's going to have what I didn't. I imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't had my abortion all the time, but here she is being able to live out my "what if". I feel so angry at him for having been careless and getting her pregnant, I feel jealous of her, I feel hurt. I don't know how to live or be without him. Him having a baby with this girl would change everything. Most of all I think it hurts so much because I know that if she has this baby, he and I will officially be over and there's no coming back to each other this time. I feel sick all the time and cry. I keep wishing this wasn't real, but it is and I don't know how to make it feel any better.
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