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[Feeling sad...] I'm grieving because of a dream

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by huzuni, Oct 11, 2011.

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  1. huzuni

    huzuni New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2011
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    I'm 16 years old and i had a medical abortion about a week ago
    there was no doubt in my mind that an abortion was what i wanted, and it was what my boyfriend wanted and we'd talked about it and although i was scared about the actual procedure i wasn't attaching myself to the thought of the pregnancy
    but a day or so after the rather traumatic experience, which kept me on the ward 4 hours after it was a confirmed termination, and put me on a drip i started feeling like, weird. i had a dream which has started reoccuring, where everyone i know has chosen a side and they're fighting around our local skatepark, weapons are used and everything and even my 11 year old sister is fighting against me. but suddenly i have a baby in my arms and all i know is i have to protect it and everyone turns against this baby and it's so small but it's image is so detailed. i run with this baby and avoid all these attacks and find my way back to my house and lock the door behind me, then i run up the stairs to my room and there's a subconcious feeling of relief and happiness thinking i've saved both myself and this child. but when i look at it to hold it to me, it's limp and discolored and i realise it's dead, and it's like my mind has taken a photograph of that moment and i can still see it in my head, and it's then that i realise it's my own baby. later in the dream i'm at my boyfriends and i'm trying to tell him and getting distraught but he can't hear or see me.
    but now the image of the baby is haunting me and i feel like i met it and now i have feelings of grief like i'd actually known this baby, and although i know its impossible i feel like it's the baby i aborted
    and i feel so stupid for it and i don't want to tell my parents or my boyfriend incase i upset them, especially my boyfriend because i dont want him to feel guilty or responsible that's why i searched for this forum because i need advice.
    seeing small babies or even somebody talking about pregnancy is ******* me, and i'm already diagnosed with depression and have been for about 2 years. i feel so guilty and i find myself wishing i could talk to this baby and tell it i'm sorry, i've even had thoughts of wishing i could have it back
    but i don't want to get pregnant again, i don't wish i could become a mother, i'm not even interested in it, all i feel like is that i wish i could have that baby back like i knew everything about it or that we had a connection. i don't know what to do, i need help, i feel like i've actually lost a family member and i'm having mood swings and crying over stupid things, i just feel so guilty.
     
  2. ~Karen~

    ~Karen~ ✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿ SuperMod ~ Volunteer Manager ~ Super Moderator Alumni Volunteer

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    !9 to the boards, you've posted this on the guest board, which is only seen by admins and techs and guests. So you can begin to get the support that you need I am going to copy this post over to the teens and twenties board over on the main site

    \h
     
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