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Immediate regret

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by onelove132, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. onelove132

    onelove132 Guest

    Trigger warning: mentionsxlucing children

    I've had an abortion before when I was 21. I had one then because I was in a relationship I knew was going no-where and we both had little to know money. I didn't have much regret if any and it did not hurt.. I instantly knew what I had to do. Fast forward 3 years; I'm in a good position with my current partner we have been together about a year and six months. We have talked about having a child together, he already has 3 (twins, 8 and a 4 year old). I took my birth control out in February partly because the IUD doesn't make me feel good and also we discussed having children, I felt like I was in a place to have a kid. Well in April..... there was some issues with the law (he had a past from 2 years ago, we are now both involved) but shortly after that I got pregnant. We lost our home (I found a new one within a week) and a significant amount of cash I had been putting aside (I bartend) so we were pretty down and out for about a month and a half. Well shortly after I found out I was pregnant. He didn't have a reaction which bothered me since we had talked about having a kid even though we weren't exactly trying for right this second we wanted to wait until I was done with school but low and behold the pull-out method doesn't always work (haha). Anyways, I at least wanted some type of emotion. So when we finally talked it was so undecided what we should do. One second its yes we will figure it out even though it might be a struggle and the other it was absolutely not we have enough on our plate as is. So I decided maybe hes right, why have a kid and struggle especially if he has to go back to jail. I cried at the thought of keeping it and I;ve cried at the thought of not but when I went to my appointment I kept a straight face. It wasn't until I got into the room I started to panic, what if this wasn't the right decision. I couldnt back out now and my boyfriend wasn't allowed in the room to see my panic. Now I had the procedure before and it wasn't that bad. However, this time felt like no other pain I've ever had before in my life. I couldn't stop crying. I instantly felt better a couple days I wasn't sick which was nice but when I got my first period after it was so painful and so much blood I could not stop crying with the regret. Everytime I see someone pregnant or being a mom I cry with regret. I just wish I wouldn't have succumb to thinking that just because times will be tough for like a year doesn't mean the rewards could have been greater like having that special bond I yearn for. And honestly its especially tough to continue to be a step mom to these 3 amazing kids because I feel like I could have had my own and now I cant until who knows when. He says he regrets it now too and I just feel like I'm so depressed because I probably made one of the worst decisions I could have made.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 15, 2018
  2. Trigeo

    Trigeo Tree-G, The Serial Poster Staff Member Administrator Technical Administrator Super Moderator Moderator Support Specialist Manager SRG Leader SRG A5 SRG B5 SRG C5 SRG G5 SRG C3 SRG H5 SRG I5 Autumn Tree Balloon Emerald Leaves

    Nov 6, 2010
    Hi, onelove. :j Thank you for trusting your story to us. I strongly recommend you register for an account as this board is only viewable by volunteers and other guests while our main boards host a whole supportive community.

    Some minor edits have been made to your post to bring it in line with our site guidelines. We are a strictly neutral site (religion/politics/etc) to provide a safe and comfortable healing environment for all. The trigger warning was added to ensure no one accidentally reads something which may be distressing.

    Abortion is a complicated grief but we can help you through this. Come talk with us and receive support. It gets better. :j
  3. environmentalist

    environmentalist Well-Known Member SRG C5 Alumni Volunteer Butterfly

    Mar 3, 2013
    Cape Town, South Africa