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In Need Of Support

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by wodi, Feb 27, 2016.

  1. wodi

    wodi Guest

    Hi,

    I've been trolling the internet for what seems like forever trying to find support for my post abortion issues. I am glad that I found this site. I am 25 years old and have a boyfriend that I've dated in the past and we reconnected and began dating again over a year ago. In October 2015 after feeling excessively tired and hungry all the time I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was working late into a Friday night shift at a pizza shop but I decided it would help put my mind at ease, so I took it while on a break there. It was instantly positive and I could barely bring myself to finish out my shift I was so shocked and confused. I texted my boyfriend with a picture of the test and a few moments later her responded with a lengthy message about how we had to get rid of it and how he couldn't handle it right now. I didn't know what to think. This was my first and at this point only pregnancy. We had discussed briefly a long while back about what we would do should this happen but nothing changes your perspective more than actually being faced with the choice.

    This was the beginning of the end. He didn't think to ask me how I was feeling and if I was ok, he simply said that we were getting an abortion. I cried, a lot over the next few weeks. I couldn't even wrap my head around being pregnant, much less so quickly not being with child anymore.

    He said the last woman he was with had an abortion with him and seemed fine. He admitted that he was her "guy on the side" for when her boyfriend wasn't around, which justified why she needed to rid herself of the pregnancy. He reflected this mentality onto my situation, even though we were exclusive and there was no doubt who the father was.

    The abortion clinic was a nightmare and a horrible process altogether.

    I looked him in the eye on my way to the back to take my pills (i opted to do it at home) , he later told me he'd never seen me so scared, but he never once tried to stop me.

    I went through with my abortion in my boyfriends room (3 bedroom apt) with his roommates right outside the door. He didn't even bother to tell them what was going on. All they heard was me screaming and vomiting through the door. My boyfriend probably looked like he was feeding a monster chained to the wall when he came in to check on me.

    Cut to today, almost 4 months since (done in early nov.) and I'm still a wreck. Not as bad as I was in the weeks immediately following, but more deep rooted I suppose.

    I seem to resent my boyfriend and can't believe what i gave up for him when I see how easily he transitioned back to being a guy with no real responsibilities.

    I bled for what seemed like forever, felt unattractive, cried myself to sleep and even contemplated suicide, and he just kept right on rolling.

    Now its really starting to take a toll on our relationship because I've reached out many times seeking help from Project Rachel and so on and didn't get anything from it. This only seemed to upset me more. Now I seem to get angry and emotional once and week and lash out at him. I drove away my best friend because she suggested I go through with the abortion as well. I guess my whole issue is that no one supported my stance on the subject. Almost as glaringly as if I'd never said it at all.

    I really need help getting over this. It sucks because even as I write this I am reliving it. My neighbor babysits during the day so all I hear is babies crying through the wall which only upsets me more.

    I know my boyfriend loves me, but neither one of us is going to survive this relationship at this rate. I find myself hating me with everything I have for what I felt he made me do. Everyone painted a picture of how bad we would be off if we decided to keep it, but it was very manageable.

    I feel like I made a huge mistake and can't forgive myself.
     
  2. Trigeo

    Trigeo The Serial Poster Staff Member Administrator Super Moderator Moderator SRG Leader Technical Administrator Support Specialist Manager SRG A5 SRG B5 SRG C5 SRG G5 Yellow Rose Turquoise butterfly Emerald Hot Drink Angel February Leaves

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2010
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    Canada
    Hi, Wodi. I'm so sorry for all you've been through and I encourage you to register for an account and join us on the main boards where you will have access to a big group of compassionate people who can help support you through your healing journey. :j