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[Feeling sad...] Its that month...

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by Unregistered, Aug 1, 2011.

  1. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    I had gotten pregnant in December of 2010. I was happy about it, my boyfriend was happy about it, my parents werent exactly so happy. Even though I was suffering morning sickness constantly and couldnt keep anything down, I still loved that baby. In February, after constant pressure from my parents(if i stayed pregnant I'd be sent away) I made the painful decision to get an abortion. February 24th, woke up early to make that horrible appointment. I had constantly thought about running away before that, but i couldnt bring myself to do it. I was reminded that me not being able to keep nutrition in my body was just making my baby sick, and I couldnt bring myself to bring a possibly sickly baby into the world. I also knew that I wasnt financially stable to take care of a baby, I didnt even have a job at the time. But now that its August(my baby was going to be born around August 24th) I'm really starting to regret my decision. I want my baby back. I know i cant turn back time, but I wanna try again. I know itll be hard and i told myself that before, but if it does happen again, I'm not gna give up on it. Not again.
     
  2. ~Karen~

    ~Karen~ ✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿ SuperMod ~ Volunteer Manager ~ Super Moderator Alumni Volunteer

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2003
    Messages:
    107,474
    Location:
    Glos, England
    !9 to the boards, unfortunately you've posted on the guest board which is really only seen by tech admins etc I hope that you will consider joining the boards so you can have endless support through these days you have coming up.

    Wanting to replace the baby is a common feeling, and such feelings can be all over the place around anniversaries, unfortunately, it is often thought that getting pg again, will ease the feelings from the first abortion, the reality is, it doesn't. It doesnt take away the pain or grief and that is something that you should and can work through, so that if you are in a position to be able to have a baby, that you do so in the right situation and at a time when you have healed emotionally. PLease grant yourself that time and know that we are here to help you through these days \h
     
  3. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    Same here, the baby was supposed to be born in September around the beginning or the middle of the month. For the past few months every time the months past and gets closer it gets harder and harder. I had to lie to the father and tell him something bad happened because he would be upset and I needed him to get through everything because he wanted the baby too, but I too did not eat much because I didn't have a appetite or when I did eat I threw it all up and I just felt horrible and painful for a while I did not tell my mom no one knew but me and my boyfriend. I stopped going to school because I couldn't get up and I was on a babies schedule all I could do was sleep. One day my mom asked me about my morning sickness like why do you throw up and sleep all day so I had to tell her, she was heart broke and upset she was just so sad I couldn't bare to see her cry everyday and sit there like what are we gonna do. I also couldn't take the pain from the baby, she sent me back to school but I eventually changed to home school because I had to sleep at anytime, I slept at different times of the day falling asleep in class I would of failed.
    My mom and sister kept bugging me to make the phone call and it sucked then I finally did around the 11th week and but I had to wait even till before i hit 3 months i finally got the procedure done, I was scared, then after I felt so bad like what did I do, I can't believe myself. Then after awhile I felt okay about it because I found out the father was treating us bad behind my back he was there for me through the whole thing but he was acting stupid and cheating sorta living a double life but, and also another positive thing is that I wouldn't have to put the little money I have towards the baby for the rest of my teen years and probably beyond. I think I probably would of gave up on school but since the procedure I didn't, I continued to do homeschooling.

    Before I made my decision I had a dream that I was with the baby but he was in toddler talking stage, he was playing we were sitting and talking he asked "Mommy why didn't you have me, I said because I wouldn't want you and I to deal with the struggle and it's hard but I love you very much and your dad loves you very much too we wanted you then he cried and I grabbed him and hugged him and cried, then I woke up. I called the father and told him somethings wrong and broke down crying.

    I've been hanging with friends and back out being me but I have sorta like a flash back, like something pops up in my head and I get sad out of no where and just randomly want to cry, i shed a little tear. Even when i see new born babies or pregnant women I get upset or wonder how i would look and what would be going on. When I'm lonely I start to think and regret everything and the father and i were together for almost 2years and he was my 1st and my real love and when i found out about what he had been doing, i felt like i wouldn't need him i would be happy with my baby the best mom and dad there could be.

    I think I need some type of closure. I break down randomly at night, I feel horrible. I say I don't want kids but on the inside I still do but I want to wait till I'm older in my 20's or even earlier but I'm not sure. I'm trying to move on I have a new boyfriend we haven't done anything he says he wants to be with me and maybe in the future he wants to have a baby but who knows.

    I just want to get away, its impossible I don't know who to talk to at all about it who would understand and wouldn't judge me or just not get it.
     
  4. ~Karen~

    ~Karen~ ✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿ SuperMod ~ Volunteer Manager ~ Super Moderator Alumni Volunteer

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2003
    Messages:
    107,474
    Location:
    Glos, England
    I hope that you will consider creating an account and joining the boards also, this is the guest board and isn't seen by our registered members just techs and admins for help gaining access to the site.

    :j
     
  5. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    I understand what you have been through. I fell pregnant in late november 2008 at the age of sixteen. My boyfriend was supported and we agreed not to tell our parents because we were scared they would force us into having an abortion. At about 15 weeks I collapsed at school and fearing for my baby I told the school who then made me tell my mum. She was actually fairly supportive but she told myself and my boyfriend the struggles of having a baby. Though I still desperatly wanted to keep my baby, my boyfriend confessed that he wanted the abortion. At exactly 18 weeks on the 7th March I was induced an after 11 hours of labour my daughter Lily was born- I wasn't allowed to see her. After the funeral I fell into deep depression and suffered nightmares on a daily basis. I was diagnosd with depression and was proscribed anti-depressants. I withdrew myself; barely getting out of bed and missing school. My depression took it's toll on my relationship with my boyfriend and in October we broke up. I sunk deeper into despair and guilt and eventually attempted to take my own life at seventeen. Afterwards the NHS referred me to cruise berievement care. I still believe it saved my life. After several months of treatment I was able to return to school to do my A levels. On the 7th March 2010 I met my ex boyfriend for the one year anniversery of our baby's death. We have since got back together and learnt that our baby only makes us stronger as a couple. It would have been my baby's second birthday last week and the thought still tortures me. She means everything to me and I love and miss her more than anything. I want my baby back but I can't change what happened. If I were older and more financially stable things would have been different. I think about my descision everyday. If I'm lucky enough to have more children in the future, I will make sure they know about their big sister when they are old enough.
     
  6. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    hey i know exactly how you feel. my parents and my bfs parents made me get an abortion or neither one of us had a place to live. my mom scheduled the appointment and filled out everything. I just had to sign. This happened last February around the 24th as well. Ive thought about trying again because I regret it so much. My baby was due September 27th. I cried and couldn't control my anger or emotions for months. I still find certain things difficult to think about and I wish that I could have someone to talk to that has been through this.