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[I need support . . .] Lost and confused.. One month since my abortion

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by BB0421, May 10, 2013.

  1. BB0421

    BB0421 New Member

    May 10, 2013
    This is new for me. I kind of just had no where else to turn. So that being said ill just start with my story for those who wouldnt mind reading. Im 19yrs old and became pregnant in january 2013 and decided to have an abortion march 30,2013. I guess i just find myself sitting here crying not knowing how to feel about anything besides the love i have for the man i am with and he has been with me through this whole thing and helping me cope but at the end of the day it was my decision to terminate. I had my abortion at 11wks 5ds and everytime i think of that day and what went on as i went under, i cant help but greive. I lost my mother when i was 4 to drinking and driving. My dad had a hard time coping and turned to drugs when i was pretty young. He eventually married when i turned 11 to this horrible woman. I cant even speak of the things shes said and done to me, my family and my deceased mother. I grew up in absolute alcohalic hell and i always promised myself i would be the best parent and person that i could be. Ive always been inlove with children. Their innocence, their unconditional love, forgiveness and compassion. Lately i just finding myself doubting everything i lived and stood for. I look at pictures of how big he or she woulda been and how he or she probably felt the pain that i had caused. My reasoning was i had just moved in with my boyfriend and financially we were in a situation to begin with so to me i never wanted to struggle finacially and have my kid go thru the struggle aswell. Ive always wanted better for my child and for them not to feel any of the hurt and pain ive felt over the years. Its been a month and im so sad. So lost. So compromised within my own thoughts, i cant even be left alone to think or this is what happens. I have no one to truly express my feelings with because ive distanced everyone that its no longer an option. I dont go out, i hate being around people, seeing anyone pregnant breaks my heart. Ive always wanted to become pregnant and enjoy the miracle my body had inside. I feel as if ive thrown that all away. Im still bleeding horribly from the procedure and i have a dr appt this coming tuesday and i fear the news. It churns my stomach to think theirs a posibility that i could never have kids because of what i have done. People try to bring god into it and i feel he is completely an utterly irrelevant in this situation. In my eyes he has never been their and i never needed him to support myself. I guess im just looking for someone to tell me im not going crazy in this lasting depression and their is a light. I dont want to let go of what could have been. All the questions i have and had. And everything ive lost inside of me. Theirs no smile or me inside this body. Their is just someone i dont even know anymore and everyday i grow farther apart from society. So to anyone who reads, i do not ask anything but to listen and if not then that is fine. Writing this alone has helped somewhat but ive always conquered every challange ive been face with. Im just lookin for ways to make this easier of my mind and my self. I cant eat, i cant sleep, i just simply am here for now.
    strawberryfields1 likes this.
  2. strawberryfields1

    strawberryfields1 If you gave me a chance I would take it, it's a sh Alumni Volunteer

    Sep 27, 2012
    (((hugs))) I'm the same age as you, and had an ab last year. I had a very difficult time with PASS - I was numb, had terrible anxiety and panic attacks, lost interest in everything, couldn't even focus or concentrate (found even watching TV difficult). It was so hard. I felt like a failure - I had always been an over-achiever and I felt like I had failed this. Lots of things have helped me - time, this site, in the beginning when my PASS was very bad I used herbal anti anxiety remedies like kalms tablets took the edge off of things (though check with your doc before taking them). Things do get easier - 'PASS will pass' is a phrase used by many here. We understand how you're feeling. I hope you keep reaching out and posting as well as reading through the posts of people who have trod this journey before. Let us know how your doctors appointment goes. Message me if you want to chat or need any help finding your way around ((())) xx
  3. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    Thank you for the reply. It really does mean alot that someone is going through the same thing. Ive been lookin for a support group or a couselor to go see. Just til i feel like my PASS had passed. I know theirs a light but the struggle is ******* me. Ive been taking a low dose anti anxiety that ive been on for awhile now and it just doesnt seem to help anymore. But i wont give up, thats never an option! I may have a hole in my hert but i know my mom is looking out for that child regardless of a god or not. I believe in my mothers angel and i think she has something special in mind. Only time can tell where ill go next'
  4. Miss Chip

    Miss Chip Self confessed chocoholic! Staff Member Administrator Technical Administrator Moderator SRG Leader Tech Support SRG A5 SRG C5 SRG D5 SRG E5 SRG F5 SRG H5 Emerald

    Dec 26, 2009
    I'm so sorry to hear of the circumstances that have brought you here. I do hope you create an account and come and join us on the main boards. You'll recieve a lot of support from everyone and it's a very safe, neutral environment to talk in. It's non judgemental and we each have our own stories but come together with something in common. Most of us have felt guilt, anger, sadness and more after our abortions and it does go with time and with talking. You aren't alone in this. hugs