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[Emotional Pain] Lots of questions and mixed feelings.. This may turn into a rant

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by Cml23, Jun 9, 2013.

  1. Cml23

    Cml23 Guest

    I had an abortion almost 4 years ago when I was 15. For a little bit of back ground info, I was in a very promiscuous phase in my life and hooked up with a guy I hardly knew who was a few yrs older than me and about a month later realized I was pregnant, panicked at the thought of being weighed down with a child when I still had high school to get thru and college after that along with all my other hopes and dreams that did not include being a parent at such a young age. So against most of my family's will I decided an abortion was the best choice and I went through with it. Well, now nearly four years later I am suffering the consequences of my action. I didn't think pass would ever happen to me.. But now I have all these repressed feelings of the last few years, and everyday I deal with an immense overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame like I'm not good enough for anyone like I'm just some horrible person who doesn't deserve happiness in life. I cry so much and emotionally block myself off from others and Im so overwhelmed I don't know what to do about these feelings because I feel like I can't talk to anyone. It's like I have an internal scarlet letter that sears deeper into my heart every day, like I can't get close to anyone because I feel like such a dirty wretched person for it and that every will look down upon me for my decision. What can I do about this?! I'm not used to feeling so horrible, I used to have a really high self esteem an be so happy I'm clueless on how to deal with these feelings. I've had a steady boyfriend for over a yr and haven't told him about it, which makes me feel even more guilty and like I just can't get close with him. My guilt makes me seem cold and uncaring and I don't want this one event in my life to forever ruin my relationship with myself and with others. Any advice, or just comforting words?
     
  2. Buckette

    Buckette Oldie Staff Member Administrator Technical Administrator Super Moderator Moderator SRG Manager SRG Leader Moderator Manager SRG A5 SRG B5 SRG C5 SRG D5 SRG F5 SRG G5 Junior Support Specialist Manager Sapphire Emerald

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    What you are feeling is very familiar to many of us, hun, and I'm so sorry. If you haven't done so yet, please register and come on to the main boards. I think you will find many there you can relate to and I know many there can relate to your situation. It's a good, safe place where we all understand.
     
  3. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    do you think its better to keep feelings inside or to talk about them with friends?
     
  4. Buckette

    Buckette Oldie Staff Member Administrator Technical Administrator Super Moderator Moderator SRG Manager SRG Leader Moderator Manager SRG A5 SRG B5 SRG C5 SRG D5 SRG F5 SRG G5 Junior Support Specialist Manager Sapphire Emerald

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    All I know is what I did. I kept it all inside, ignored, blocked .... did whatever I could to just forget and when my house of cards collapsed thirty some years later, I was right back where I started. Nothing changes until we deal with it, hun. I don't think many people who've never been physically through an ab can really understand, but just "moving on", "it's over, put it in the past" doesn't work. The only way out is through.....at least for me.

    If you have someone you trust to talk to in real life, do so. If you don't, or even if you do, come aboard and talk with us. This is a good, safe, totally neutral place to work through what you are feeling. No one will judge you, no one will doubt you....it's politically and religiously neutral.

    Sorry, I talk a lot, lol. Keeping your feeling inside only means that it will all surface again when you least expect it.....my recommendation is to deal with it now. It's not easy, but won't get any easier by ignoring it. Believe me, I tried for a very long time. \h
     
  5. Twin Flame

    Twin Flame ...that place between sleep and awake... Alumni Volunteer Wave

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    My opinion...it's better to discuss feelings...always. I kept them bottled up for much too long and delayed my healing by years. As for who to share them with...I can't deal with judgment, so I have been very careful who hears my story. I've found Passboards to be the safest place to discuss my abortion and the post-emotions.