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[reflections] my story

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by maddzcat1998, Apr 12, 2018.

  1. maddzcat1998

    maddzcat1998 Guest

    Trigger Warning: mentions living children

    I feel this empty feeling everyday. I try so hard to pretend nothing happened. When I was 17 years old, I found out I was pregnant. At the time, my mother was using heroin on a daily basis. I hadn’t seen my father in almost a year. My boyfriend, the father, was cheating on me for most of the relationship. I found out ONE WEEK after my abortion. When I tried fo go to my mom, I found her passed out in her bed surrounded by pills. I was so scared. I did what I thought I had to do. I hear it talked about everyday. I hear people call it hurtful words. I hear it discussed like it’s deciding what shirt to wear. It ****s me. I don’ regret my choice. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. But I hate myself for it everday. I feel so sick. I hurt myself, I see pregnant women and I get this feeling of sadness. I work with children currently. I have held random families’ children while babysitting and thought, “Wow, I would have been an amazing mother.” I was too young. I was irresponsible. I still am. I will always wonder. I will always be curious. I will always have nightmares. I want it to stop so badly. I have a new boyfriend now. I’m in college and in a sorority. I give my friends advice when they have pregnancy scares. I try to have political conversations without becoming too involved. But I am always going to be too involved... I am in so much pain. Everyday, I hurt. Not just from the abortion but from everything. I had no one to talk to. I had no one to turn to. I tried to just pretend like it didn’t happen. Every time I drink, I think about it. Every time I sleep, I see it again and again. I feel like I am a horrible person. I feel like I hurt something that couldn’t defend itself. I feel like when I have my first child someday, I will know that it wasn’t SUPPOSED to be my FIRST child. I am so broken. I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. I get flashbacks of the room and the nurses and how they were so used to giving abortions that they were talking about day-to-day affairs as if I wasn’t making a life-altering decision. I feel like I am going to hell or somewhere horrible now. I just want to be a normal college girl. I want to be happy and normal for my current boyfriend. All I know is that I am so so sorry. I don’t know to who, but I am. I don’t regret it, but I am sorry. I hate what I did and I can never go through it again.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 12, 2018
    environmentalist likes this.
  2. Trigeo

    Trigeo The Serial Poster Staff Member Administrator Super Moderator Moderator Support Specialist Manager SRG Leader Technical Administrator SRG A5 SRG B5 SRG C5 Moon Violet Sunflower Emerald Balloon Flip Flops Butterfly Leaves Canada

    Nov 6, 2010
    Thank you for trusting your story with us; I hope it helps a little to get it off your chest.

    I have made some edits to your post to bring it online with our board guidelines. Please understand these are in place to create and maintain a safe and comfortable healing environment for our membership. With practice, the rules will start to make much more sense. :j

    I hope you will register for an account and join us on the main boards; this board is only viewable by volunteers and other guests but we have a whole community waiting to greet you and support you.

    I’m sorry for all you’ve been through and wish you peace. I’ll look for you on the main boards. :j