Trigger Warning: mentions living children I feel this empty feeling everyday. I try so hard to pretend nothing happened. When I was 17 years old, I found out I was pregnant. At the time, my mother was using heroin on a daily basis. I hadn’t seen my father in almost a year. My boyfriend, the father, was cheating on me for most of the relationship. I found out ONE WEEK after my abortion. When I tried fo go to my mom, I found her passed out in her bed surrounded by pills. I was so scared. I did what I thought I had to do. I hear it talked about everyday. I hear people call it hurtful words. I hear it discussed like it’s deciding what shirt to wear. It ****s me. I don’ regret my choice. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. But I hate myself for it everday. I feel so sick. I hurt myself, I see pregnant women and I get this feeling of sadness. I work with children currently. I have held random families’ children while babysitting and thought, “Wow, I would have been an amazing mother.” I was too young. I was irresponsible. I still am. I will always wonder. I will always be curious. I will always have nightmares. I want it to stop so badly. I have a new boyfriend now. I’m in college and in a sorority. I give my friends advice when they have pregnancy scares. I try to have political conversations without becoming too involved. But I am always going to be too involved... I am in so much pain. Everyday, I hurt. Not just from the abortion but from everything. I had no one to talk to. I had no one to turn to. I tried to just pretend like it didn’t happen. Every time I drink, I think about it. Every time I sleep, I see it again and again. I feel like I am a horrible person. I feel like I hurt something that couldn’t defend itself. I feel like when I have my first child someday, I will know that it wasn’t SUPPOSED to be my FIRST child. I am so broken. I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. I get flashbacks of the room and the nurses and how they were so used to giving abortions that they were talking about day-to-day affairs as if I wasn’t making a life-altering decision. I feel like I am going to hell or somewhere horrible now. I just want to be a normal college girl. I want to be happy and normal for my current boyfriend. All I know is that I am so so sorry. I don’t know to who, but I am. I don’t regret it, but I am sorry. I hate what I did and I can never go through it again.