E
Ell.en
Guest
I had an abortion on December 1st.
I was torn in my decision and when I told my boyfriend the first thing out of his mouth was "how do you feel about abortion"? I'm not going to lie, I felt relieved. I'd spent the entire day before (when I found out I was pregnant) worrying about what he would say, wondering if he would want to keep it and I wouldn't have a choice. Obviously, I knew I'd still have a choice and I wouldn't have let him force me into having a child but what if he wasn't understanding? How do you continue a relationship with someone after you aborted the child they wanted? But that wasn't the case so I felt relieved because I had a real choice.
Except I didn't. At least I didn't feel like I had a choice. He told me we would be okay... as long as I didn't change my mind. So every time I thought about keeping the baby I heard his voice in my head saying "as long as you don't change your mind". He played into my insecurities and codependency to ensure I had the abortion. He didn't want me to tell my friends or family that I was pregnant so, aside from my best friend, I didn't tell anyone. He secluded me so he was my other support system but I thought it was normal; that's what people do when they're in a relationship, they rely on each other and support each other. This was my first relationship and I didn't know any better. We'd only been dating for 6 months but I'd known him for 11 years. I was in love and I didn't want to lose him. So I went through with the abortion. Even though I knew I didn't want to. I knew I was going to struggle with coping but he would be by my side to support and comfort me.
Less than 3 weeks later he broke up with me.
I was alone, heartbroken, and grieving the child I'd always wanted but gave up for him.
How am I supposed to live with this pain? I'm afraid I won't be able to survive it. I can't move on. I can't look at my friends who are pregnant or have children without physical pain in my heart. Because as much as I want to blame him for influencing my decision... it was my decision. I did this. I chose someone that I thought loved me over the one thing, the only thing, I've wanted my entire life. How am I supposed to be able to look at myself without hating what I see?
How do I live with myself after what I did?
I was torn in my decision and when I told my boyfriend the first thing out of his mouth was "how do you feel about abortion"? I'm not going to lie, I felt relieved. I'd spent the entire day before (when I found out I was pregnant) worrying about what he would say, wondering if he would want to keep it and I wouldn't have a choice. Obviously, I knew I'd still have a choice and I wouldn't have let him force me into having a child but what if he wasn't understanding? How do you continue a relationship with someone after you aborted the child they wanted? But that wasn't the case so I felt relieved because I had a real choice.
Except I didn't. At least I didn't feel like I had a choice. He told me we would be okay... as long as I didn't change my mind. So every time I thought about keeping the baby I heard his voice in my head saying "as long as you don't change your mind". He played into my insecurities and codependency to ensure I had the abortion. He didn't want me to tell my friends or family that I was pregnant so, aside from my best friend, I didn't tell anyone. He secluded me so he was my other support system but I thought it was normal; that's what people do when they're in a relationship, they rely on each other and support each other. This was my first relationship and I didn't know any better. We'd only been dating for 6 months but I'd known him for 11 years. I was in love and I didn't want to lose him. So I went through with the abortion. Even though I knew I didn't want to. I knew I was going to struggle with coping but he would be by my side to support and comfort me.
Less than 3 weeks later he broke up with me.
I was alone, heartbroken, and grieving the child I'd always wanted but gave up for him.
How am I supposed to live with this pain? I'm afraid I won't be able to survive it. I can't move on. I can't look at my friends who are pregnant or have children without physical pain in my heart. Because as much as I want to blame him for influencing my decision... it was my decision. I did this. I chose someone that I thought loved me over the one thing, the only thing, I've wanted my entire life. How am I supposed to be able to look at myself without hating what I see?
How do I live with myself after what I did?
