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My story

E

Ell.en

Guest
I had an abortion on December 1st.
I was torn in my decision and when I told my boyfriend the first thing out of his mouth was "how do you feel about abortion"? I'm not going to lie, I felt relieved. I'd spent the entire day before (when I found out I was pregnant) worrying about what he would say, wondering if he would want to keep it and I wouldn't have a choice. Obviously, I knew I'd still have a choice and I wouldn't have let him force me into having a child but what if he wasn't understanding? How do you continue a relationship with someone after you aborted the child they wanted? But that wasn't the case so I felt relieved because I had a real choice.
Except I didn't. At least I didn't feel like I had a choice. He told me we would be okay... as long as I didn't change my mind. So every time I thought about keeping the baby I heard his voice in my head saying "as long as you don't change your mind". He played into my insecurities and codependency to ensure I had the abortion. He didn't want me to tell my friends or family that I was pregnant so, aside from my best friend, I didn't tell anyone. He secluded me so he was my other support system but I thought it was normal; that's what people do when they're in a relationship, they rely on each other and support each other. This was my first relationship and I didn't know any better. We'd only been dating for 6 months but I'd known him for 11 years. I was in love and I didn't want to lose him. So I went through with the abortion. Even though I knew I didn't want to. I knew I was going to struggle with coping but he would be by my side to support and comfort me.
Less than 3 weeks later he broke up with me.
I was alone, heartbroken, and grieving the child I'd always wanted but gave up for him.
How am I supposed to live with this pain? I'm afraid I won't be able to survive it. I can't move on. I can't look at my friends who are pregnant or have children without physical pain in my heart. Because as much as I want to blame him for influencing my decision... it was my decision. I did this. I chose someone that I thought loved me over the one thing, the only thing, I've wanted my entire life. How am I supposed to be able to look at myself without hating what I see?
How do I live with myself after what I did?
 

Trigeo

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Hi, there. I’m so sorry for your experience but I’m very pleased you found us. This site has been such a beacon for so many women (and men) suffering after an abortion. You aren’t alone. I strongly urge you to create an account so you can join our community of compassionate and supportive people. This guest board is only viewed by other guests and site volunteers but the main site has many members who will support you. Coercion is a common theme in abortions and it can be overt or subtle…both damaging. You will connect with others who experienced coercion and can relate to that aspect of your story as well as members who didn’t experience coercion but who still relate to the emotions you are facing. I promise it can get better and this group will help you as you navigate grieving and healing. :j:j
 

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