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[Question?] Please help

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by Unregistered, Sep 29, 2009.

  1. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    I am in a horrible situation. My g/f had an abortion about 4 years ago. We had just met and I was still legally married at the time. Long story short we got pregnant and didn't know what to do. I suggested an abortion and from what I got from her I thought she agreed. She had the procedure done and we split up, I tried to get back with my wife which didn't work. I didn't call her to check on her and i kind of abandoned her. I feel so so so bad for this and I called her to apologize and we started to talk again and have been together for almost 4 years now. We have since had 2 kids and i have 1 from my ex. She just had our 2nd about 4 months ago. Now she says that i pressured her into it and she fully regrets the decision to abort. I too regret that day. Now she wants revenge on me I guess and is demanding that I stop seeing my oldest daughter from my ex. she wants me to abandon her like I did to them. I see where she is coming from and totally understand her thinking but i don't think this is going to solve any problems. I need some advice on what to do. She says she can't be with me if i don't do this. Please someone give a suggestion I really don't want to lose my family.
     
  2. ~Karen~

    ~Karen~ ✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿ SuperMod ~ Volunteer Manager ~ Super Moderator Alumni Volunteer

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2003
    Messages:
    107,445
    Location:
    Glos, England
    I am glad that you've found us and I hope that you may join the boards so that you can post and get support. The guest board is only accessed by moderators and admins.

    With regards to whats happening with you I can only share thoughts or feelings of perhaps how she may have felt post abortion, and to give you some insight into how she's feeling or why she is saying what she is.

    Although it may seem that she agreed to the abortion that you had suggested, it may not have been that way . . . and she may have placed a big part of her decision on the fact that you wanted the abortion, did you place pressure on her to have it? (you dont need to answer the questions I ask, but it is something to think about)

    However, whatever happened after the abortion which led to you breaking up, she has it appears placed the abortion to blame for that, that it caused you and her to part, and she is therefore it would seem feeling resentful, that she gave up the baby and had an abortion but then lost you afterwards anyway . . .

    However, she does not have ANY right to demand that you stop seeing your oldest daughter from your ex. That daughter isn't part of the equation, yes she is from another relationship, but a lot of it will come from the fact that your gf is guilty, she feels resentful that you want to spend time with this other daughter, yet when she was pg you chose to abort. THis is something very common, and you will see on our boards those times when our female members partners have had children with new partners, they feel deeply resentful, and bitter towards both the new child and the ex partner. As if they made a choice which says I didnt want the baby with you . . .

    However, while she may feel all of those things, anger, that you pushed her into an abortion, she doesn't have a right nor should she even ask you to stop having contact with your daughter.

    It won't solve problems . . .it won't solve anything apart from causing the daughter who is in the middle to feel abandoned and rejected, and believe me, I know EXACTLY how that feels when you're abandoned by a parent who doesn't want to know. Your daughter is in the middle, but she shouldn't be used by your partner as a way out . . .she isn't and she deserves to have you as a father. Just as your 2 children with your current partner do too . . .

    She is giving you an ultimatum which is not acceptable, and I would suggest going to counselling and seeking some professional help and advice. If you abandon your daughter she will be the one left hurting, and as a child she doesn't deserve that. As a father you have the responsibility to ALL of your children . . .and they should be coming first above and before any partner.

    Her ultimatum is cruel regardless of what happened in the situation surrounding the abortion, and she should be realising that she is asking something that she has no right to do :j
     
    Amy likes this.
  3. Amy

    Amy Alumni Volunteer/Extreme Ex Addicted Poster!

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2006
    Messages:
    60,688
    Hello, and welcome to the boards. So so sorry for the situation you are in right now. You must feel so torn as to what to do. I agree whole heartedly with Karen her asking you to stop seeing your first child is completely undoable. Two wrongs never make a right, and i'm also almost sure that she can't possibly realize just how awful that request must of sounded. I am assuming that she is a very rough place in regards to the ab, having children often brings that right to the front of your mind. I too think counselling is a very good idea for her, she must be grieving her loss so deeply right now to even suggest that to you. I think also ask her to join here. Sometimes just knowing you are not alone with all those feelings can make a huge amount of difference. Tell her to post up her story, and to talk about her issues with you, you don't have to know which member she is at all, she can keep her anonymity here. Maybe we can help her realize that she needs to grieve her loss and come to grips with it, so she can heal the rift between you maybe? I will add you two to my prayers, and hope you can both make it onto the regular boards and get some peer support which you both deserve! ((((((((Big hugs)))))))))
     
    ~Karen~ likes this.