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[Opinions?] Relationship problems after an abortion...

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by ScaredAndAlone, Oct 8, 2013.

  1. Hi, I'm 20 and I had an abortion just over 3 months ago. I had been with my boyfriend for about a month when I found out I was pregnant. Guys really don't seem to like condoms in my experience and even older guys seem to think that as long as they don't cum every thing will be fine. But yeah the day before my boyfriend went on holiday halfway around the world for two weeks I found out I was pregnant. It was a shock but he instantly told me he wanted rid of it. I knew I wasn't financially ready but my love of children made me think I could somehow keep it.

    But yeah so went to clinic about 4 days after my positive test, they checked I was pregnant and did STI tests and as I got passed between several doctors and nurses, the one booking my medical abortion appointments failed to note that my boyfriend was away and booked me in for the next week. I had no family near me (and was too scared to tell them anyways) and all my friends were away travelling for the summer or back to their hometowns for work. I tried to cope with all this alone so my boyfriend could enjoy his holiday.

    I chickened out of the first appointment and ended up getting a job which meant working shifts that didn't allow me forward planning so I couldn't make any new appointments. It was only when I got to about 11 weeks pregnant that my boyfriend started really freaking out and my emotions were getting crazy that when my new employers threatened to fire me that I just quit and signed up for a new abortion appointment.

    My boyfriend was incredibly supportive. He works on research near the hospital where I got the abortion so he popped in throughout the day which really helped even if he saw me at the worst. He ended up even telling his boss who admitted he'd been through similar and let my boyfriend leave work early to take me home. I actually coped with the emotional side of it fine. The only little thing is I saw the arm when it was passing and that image shall forever haunt me but other than that, I wasn't the crying mess I thought I would be.

    Now fast forward three months, I'm on patches which end up just making my periods much heavier and longer than ever before. I've had sex twice since the abortion, once he used a condom and things were fine but then a couple weeks ago, we were both a little tipsy and he didn't use a condom and came inside me. I just burst out crying and started freaking out even though I am on the patch because I just couldn't go through an abortion again. Since then our relationship just seems to be fight after fight. I'm not ready for sex again unless he's wearing a condom (which he really dislikes) and I feel like a really ****** girlfriend for not giving him sex. He's a 25 year old guy, everyone knows what he wants.

    We lived together most of summer but I now haven't stayed the night since my freak out and I'm scared to end our relationship because I don't want to have to explain to my next boyfriend why I fear sex (which I do atm). I know I should have been more careful and then none of this would have happened but I think the biggest thing isn't even the abortion anymore, it's that I feel like less of a woman because I no longer see the joy in sex at all. I'm going to lose him because he needs sex and I'm really scared about how I will cope when I'm already spiralling into depression again.
     
  2. Twin Flame

    Twin Flame ...that place between sleep and awake... Alumni Volunteer Wave

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    First of all, it's totally natural to fear the act that got you pregnant thus resulting in an abortion in the first place. And your reaction to it was completely normal.

    Secondly, you have to be questioning why this really "supportive" guy isn't looking out for you after you went through all that - and for him. I have men friends who would be ultra careful if someone they cared about went through an abortion and had lingering fright. And yes, they like sex a lot, too.
     
  3. Thank you for your reply. I know it's silly but I didn't think it would have such a lasting effect. I expected to be mourning the loss but not to be freaking out pretty bad when the chances are crazily low that I could get pregnant again.

    He's been there for me a lot, after three months he shouldn't have to be. He has a crazy work schedule which regularly means unpaid overtime and now his mum is in an eating clinic and he's going to see her every day so he needs downtime with his friends so the little time we do have together he'd rather be having sex than listening to my issues.
     
  4. Twin Flame

    Twin Flame ...that place between sleep and awake... Alumni Volunteer Wave

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    Believe me, I do understand what you are saying and that is the difference between men and women oftentimes. You are the one that had to deal with the aftermath. You had to make the appointments, live the fear, go through the procedure. I'm totally healed. My abortion was 21 years ago, but you never forget. You never forget that fear. Ab dad and I married and finally separated after 18 years. I recently had a short lived relationship and I still freaked out and we were using protection. I never want to go through another abortion again. And given my age, I would, so who would have thought, right?

    I don't think your reaction was silly! Three months is not a very long time at all. Healing is a multi-layered process and takes time. That's why I said what I did about your boyfriend. It's your time for healing now and trust me, don't worry about being a lousy girlfriend. I believed I was a bad girlfriend and then a terrible wife because I wasn't interested in sex. Deal with the pain, fear or whatever else is lingering from your abortion. It won't go away until you deal with it whether it's today, tomorrow or 18 years in the future.

    Consider joining Passboards even if you just read the posts. There is a relationship board and I'm sure some of the other women there have experienced what you are going through now. :hug: