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[Feeling sad...] trying..

Discussion in 'Guest Board' started by Unregistered, Jun 28, 2013.

  1. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    I am new to this, I honestly don't know how to start off. I do want to say I am grateful I stumbled upon this website. I didn't realize that the emotions I was going through was normal I thought that because Its was my decision to terminate my pregnancy I wasn't allowed to feel sad and it would pass. Unfortunately as time continued my emotions got worse and worse. I knew it had to be something else. Not big on talking about what happened to anyone I figure what the hell I'll try the internet. Thus my post.

    My story:

    I wish I can say that this was a planned pregnancy and I miscarried and I'm sad but it's not. Short version; I'm 22, just finished culinary school and landed a great job and met some amazing people. Working 70-80 hours a week was stressful but I made the most of going out with my new friends and celebrating life. I met this guy, a coworker, and we hit it off but due to work and everything we kept our relationship a secret. I was having weird cramps and issues so of course I went to the gyno where I found out I was pregnant! I laughed cause I don't know I wanted it to be a joke. The doctor gave me a minute to process and all I felt was this heat crawling up my spine and my ears where hot. Trying to keep my composure I walked out and of course my mother was with me and she asked if everything was alright. I lied. Like any kid in trouble how could I tell my mom? She'd **** me! We took the longest drive home. Finally I just blurt it out. Naturally my mother was happy, unfortunately I was not. Having a kid at 22, still living at home, barely knew the father, just started my career, of course naturally I was against the pregnancy. I figured if I continued to think about it I would changed my mind. So I didn't. The first thing I did was look up all the symptoms and advice I could on the internet. Looking back it makes me laugh cause the symptoms were there I just had no clue. So many question ran through my head; Should I tell the father? Should I tell MY father? Will I regret this? Am I making the right decision? Am I being selfish? As time passed the more and more I stressed. Eventually I told the father. Afraid he would persuade me to change my decision I stood my ground told him we aren't keeping it. Him. Her. He supported me either way. I terminated my pregnancy March 8th 2013. It was the worst pain I've ever gone through in my life. I took the abortion pill, was on my period for 2 months. Of course feeling guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed I felt like I deserved the pain and everything I was going through as a sign from god or some higher being that I did an awful thing and I deserved to be punished. In some way I still do. Of course I went back to work like nothing happened and work most definitely took my mind off of everything. Yet here I am months later still feeling the same guilt. Everyday I think of my would have been baby. I knew how far long I was, 7 weeks and 1 day. My baby was the size of a blueberry, I avoid them. I avoid baby talk, babies, my close friend (who is pregnant and due any day), abortion debates, god anything and everything that has to do with the subject I run from. My drinking has gotten worse, I don't interact with my friends as much, and I sleep all day. I do want to say that the "father" and I are still together in fact we've become more serious than I thought we would and I know for a fact its because of the pregnancy. And I'm grateful for that. I didn't think I was so bothered by all of this I just figured I was going through a rough patch but after finding this website and reading the stories I know that what I'm going through is okay. For so long I thought I deserved to feel this way. To be unloved for being so selfish. Everyday I think did I do the right thing? Can I get pregnant again without feeling the guilt cause I want this baby? Will I ever be back to my normal self again? Can I go through a day without crying myself at night? I'm hoping that I can heel myself. I don't want to think of these things anymore. I really liked how some women have written letters and poems and have jewelry to remind them. I didn't think I was allowed to feel this way to remember because It was my decision, I still don't feel like I should, but I don't want my selfish decision to be all I think about. I don't want to think of myself and the abortion in such a negative way. I'm hoping that by me trying to open up to other women who understand how I feel I can get a better understanding and help that I may need. I don't want to continue to bring this up to my boyfriend and hurt him cause he wanted the baby and I did not. So please any advice, any anything will help because I just cant go another day feeling this way.
    Thank You,
  2. ~Karen~

    ~Karen~ ✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿*¨✿¨*✿ SuperMod ~ Volunteer Manager ~ Super Moderator Alumni Volunteer

    Nov 18, 2003
    Glos, England

    Please join the main boards so you can access them and get a whole load of support from the many women here - the guest board is only seen by admins, volunteers and guests,

    I hope being here will help you work through however you feel. It takes time to heal, to work through the feelings that you're having. It can, does and will get better if you enable yourself to allow that to happen, but it can be a difficult rollercoaster of a journey. Do what feels right for you and your healing, but you're welcomed with open arms \h